So, I know it's been quite awhile since you've heard from Tier and me.....but, in my defense, I've written this post over and over again but haven't been able to post it! If you know me then you know how I feel about running, specifically how I felt about running with Brear.....I think you can figure out where this is headed.....
WARNING - This post is mainly for me to write things that I've experienced and put them out to the world for closure and healing. If you want only happy thoughts after reading this, skip to part two.....
PART ONE -
On December 2, 2012, my running life and my life in general changed drastically in an instant! That morning I woke early because I had a Fort Collins Running Club race to do with some of my running friends. It was a cold morning so I debated on whether or not to take Brear to the race with me. I decided against it because we were going to breakfast afterward and I didn't want her to have to wait in the car. I debated whether or not to leave her outside and give her the garage to get into from the cold. I stood there and debated and debated....it's like I knew. I finally decided to leave her out and, per the usual, I gave her a hug, kissed her on the head and told her I loved her.....that was the last time I ever saw her.
After the race, the running group went to Fuzzy's Tacos near campus for breakfast. After breakfast I got a text from my neighbor telling me that Brear was out. I didn't think too much about it because Brear often opened the gate, let herself out, took strolls through the neighborhood and then came back and put herself back in the yard. On other occasions, my neighbor Sara would grab her and put her back in the yard. I wasn't too worried because she never left the neighborhood. After a few more minute of chatting at breakfast with my running friends I decided it was time to head home and get the monster back in, if she wasn't already back by the time I got home!
When I got home I went to the backyard and there was no Brear. I started walking around the neighborhood calling her name, but no Brear. At this point I started to panic! I got in my car and drove a 2 mile radius around our house and I remember talking to my nephew Tyler right when I left and having him say, "Ya, I hate when Ally runs away! It's so scary and you want to kill them when you finally find them! But, don't worry, it will be okay!" But, after my drive there was still no Brear. At this point I was in full on meltdown mode and called my parents to come help me. They both said they were on their way and not to panic.
Right before my dad arrived a guy walking his dog said he saw a big black dog running with some lady down the way walking her dog. Of course, I thought it's got to be Brear! I started running down the greenbelt near my house toward the direction the guy pointed me. When I finally caught site of the lady and her dog my heart sank....yes, it was a big black dog but not my big black shepherd. I was feeling defeated and scared walking back to my car and that's when I received a phone call....
I picked up and the voice on the other end said, "This is an officer with the Colorado State Patrol, I'm calling because your dog Brear has been involved in a car accident." The first thought that popped into my head was, "What do you mean my dog has been involved in a car accident!? She's a dog, she can't drive!" Fortunately, I didn't ask him that and instead asked, "Okay, where is she? Is she okay?" His response was, "No, she's not okay. She didn't make it." All I could think was, "You idiot, you have no idea what you're even saying! How could you say something so ludicrous!?" But, after what seemed like forever, he said it again and asked if I was still there. And that's when full on hyperventilation set in and the world felt like it came crashing in around me. I remember him asking me for my address because he wanted to come talk to me about what happened. I don't remember giving him the address but he somehow showed up at my house a few minutes later.
After hanging up with the officer I called my dad crying hysterically and told him the news. His response was, "Go home, I'm almost there." I then called my mom. I will never forget her response, it frequently plays through my mind when I allow myself to relive that day. When she answered I told her through sobs, "Brear was hit and killed by a car." Her first response was to scream, she kept screaming over and over again. And then she started yelling at me, "STAY HOME! DO NOT LEAVE! DO NOT DRIVE! DO NOT GET IN YOUR CAR! DO NOT GO ANYWHERE! STAY WHERE YOU ARE!" The entire time she kept repeating herself, I kept thinking to myself, "Where in the heck am I going to go? The best thing that ever happened to me was just taken from me! There's no where left to go but home!" Finally, she told me she would be there in a few and I hung up the phone. And, that's when the full on breakdown hit. I remember sitting on the step in my garage hysterically sobbing and hyperventilating, thinking, "What in the Hell just happened!? This isn't true, this isn't real life! This is some sort of sick and twisted nightmare that I'm going to wake up from and everything will be okay! I'll wake up and Brear will be sleeping next to me, she'll come and bump her nose into my cheek to tell me everything is okay and it's time to start the day! She'll be there, if only I could just wake up!" But, unfortunately this was a nightmare that I was living, not dreaming....
When the officer arrived, he explained what happened to Brear. Brear was running across I-25 south of Mulberry and made it across the southbound lanes but was hit in the left lane of the northbound lanes. The man that hit her attempted to swerve but due to a car next to him he was unable to miss her. He called the state patrol and the officer went to her. Brear was still alive but barely. The officer made the decision to put her down. He called me immediately after she was gone.
Now, I realize that it's the officers job to explain what happened, to give me the facts, but there are times when I think back to that day and I wonder what the heck he was thinking telling me everything he said!? I would have been content with Brear was running across I-25 and was killed by a car. I even would have been content with Brear was running across I-25, was hit by a car and killed and the guy who hit her called the state patrol. But, I struggle being content with Brear was running across I-25 and was hit by a car, the guy who hit her called the state patrol, I went to her, she was still alive, I put her down. Since the day she died I have thought about that statement over and over again and the picture it paints in my mind is one I would not wish on my worst enemy! I think about her laying there all alone. I wonder if she knew what was happening. I wonder if she was in terrible pain. I wonder if it was quick. But, most of all, I wonder if she was scared.
It literally takes my breath away and makes my heart physically hurt to think that she spent her last moments on Earth scared and alone. It makes me mad that I didn't get the final decision on what was to happen to her. It makes me mad the officer took that from me. But, then I think, "I can't imagine putting a dog down would be an easy task for anyone, especially a dog that is suffering." So, despite the fact that the decision of her fate was taken from me, I frequently struggle, but I try, to be thankful that someone was compassionate enough to end her misery quickly!
After the officer was done telling me what had transpired over the last 30 minutes, he took my dad to pick up Brear. My dad went to get her and took her to be cremated. I will forever by grateful that my dad was willing to go get her because I don't think I would have been able to handle seeing her! I'm so fortunate to have only memories of her alive, running beside me happy as can be!
PART TWO -
After Brear died running took on a totally different feel for me. The day she died I had convinced myself that I would never run again, there was not a shot in Hell I was going to run without her. The day after she died would have been her third birthday and apparently I wasn't too convincing because I found myself at 6:00 AM that morning running down the Poudre Trail and wishing the entire time that she was there. For two years I ran with a big black shepherd right next to me and now I was left to run all alone. I can say that I have never felt so vulnerable and exposed before. But, at the same time I felt peaceful. I could feel her there and I felt with each step she was telling me I would be okay. In the course of 24 hours running went from being my happiest time of the day with my favorite thing in the world to my sanctuary where I could heal, remember and be at peace. Over the course of the next month I ran almost every single day because I needed the peace and healing it brought, I needed to feel close to her and that was the only way I knew how. Throughout the past 9 months I have continued to run and run more than I ever have before and throughout the many miles I have healed. I have thought of her every run I've taken, I have missed the roads traveled and the trails traversed, I have used her for inspiration when feeling bad, but most of all I've felt her next to me every step and I'm beyond thankful to run with an angel!
And, now comes the good part.......on July 9th running, yet again, took on a new feel for me....for the first time since December 1st, I took off for a run but this time I took off with a green leash strapped around my waist connected to the other best thing to ever happen to me! Yep, you guessed it, Tierney finally took her first running steps with me! Tier did great and ran right beside me...actually a little too close a few times! We only ran for 2 miles but those 2 miles felt like a little piece of Heaven on Earth! At the end of the run I spent a considerable amount of time kneeling on the ground with my arms wrapped around my big black and brown shepherd crying bittersweet tears of joy.....tears for Brear and tears of joy for Tier!
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| First day out....perfection!!! |
Since that day Tier has run with me on numerous occasions and is now up to 4 mile runs! And, every run we take together is like Heaven for me and every step I am thankful....thankful for Brear, thankful for my time I got with her and beyond thankful for her gift of Tiers! Running with Tier will never be the same as running with Brear, but running with Tier is wonderfully beautiful in its own way! Tier will never take the place of Brear in my heart, but she fills her spot in my heart in her own perfectly beautiful way!
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| Beauty... |
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| Ready to go.... |
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| Enjoying every step with her!! |
To all our friends out there, we wish you a wonderful week and a gloriously beautiful fall! And to our running friends, may every step be filled with unbridled joy the way every step with Tier is for me! To that big beautiful shepherd in the sky, "I miss you so much, I love you with all my heart and thank you for being right beside Tier and me every step we take together! I wouldn't want it any other way!"
Ciao,
TiErS aNd ShAnNoN
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| Perfection |
